Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Finding sustainability. Finding strength.

**Disclaimers- I am pregnant and very hormonal. It is raining today so I am not getting my hands into the dirt. Gracie did not nap yesterday. I am not not napping right now.**

Sustainability. That seems to be the buzz word these days. Usually it refers to food in this neck of the woods. Today, I am thinking about my family. We need sustainability--a sustainable system that works for us.

It started a few weeks ago at my monthly Ob-Gyn appointment. I was seeing a new doctor. We rotate through  the practice to develop a relationship with all of them as any one of them could be the actual doctor during delivery--by the way I am NOT very keen on this rotation and wish I could guarantee the doctor that I actually like but....
So I was seeing a new doctor. She looked pregnant as well. She asked Gracie if she goes to school and when Gracie said "no" she asked if she was going to be going to school soon. Then when I said "no" she started to ask/lecture me about if I have help at home because I am going to need it and she is going to regress and it is going to be hard and...blah, blah, blah. Now wait a damn second hear. Aren't you supposed to be concerned about the baby in my body not the one sitting next to me? I realize that there are not to many full-time moms in my neighborhood that don't have nannies, and house cleaners, etc. etc. but I did have the clarity to remind her that there are millions of women around the world that do it and I think we are going to be just fine thank you very much. ^&$%((&#.

No, I didn't start cussing but I wanted to start crying when I got in the car, and I wanted to start crying when I told Ryan about the visit. This was the first he has ever missed wouldn't you know.

Well, the other night I did start crying thanks to these darn hormones and not being able to sleep yet being so tired all of the time. And I started crying again today.

As I mentioned in my profile, I love being a mama first and foremost. I WANT to be a full-time mom. I knew it was going to be hard but I think I do a damn good job. It is my job after all! I don't want someone else doing it for me.

I also love having Ryan by my side. Unfortunately, he hasn't been by my side much lately as he is working all of the time. He knows that his workload is unsustainable, especially after my breakdown today. He is trying to figure out a way to change things so that he can be home more but that may not happen for months. At the same time we are so grateful that he has a job and that it is stable. So many friends are losing jobs in the area. Even a VP at Adobe...with three kids. I can not imagine.

But the difficulty is that I am starting to doubt myself, my abilities, my strength. Can I really do this? I can and I will but we have to find a better system.

I love my job. I do it well. But at the end of the day, I need someone to be there for me to lean on. And so does he for that matter. But our schedules are off. Out timing is all off. It reminds my of a quote or a story or something that I read somewhere about life.

Does it really happen if you don't have someone to share it with? To be your witness?

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